Yay!! I Don’t Feel Good!!

I’ve got that flu you get in the summer when you get dizzy every time you stand up and you feel like barfing all the time. Yay!!!

Having come from a long line of hypochondriacs (“Can you see that red spot on my arm/back/face? Is it getting bigger? I think it’s getting bigger. Does it look swollen to you?”), being sick is the best excuse ever to watch the Colin Firth Pride and Prejudice, take drugs, and get out of stuff you don’t want to do. (“Ward breakfast? No, I’m sorry I can’t be there at six to cook bacon. I’m sick.”)

What’s not to love about being slightly sick? Especially because you usually get sick when you’re tired and could use the break.

But like everything, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. You’ve got to have your backups ready.

First you need food. I’m going to suggest Pringles. Why? Because no one is ever sick enough that they can’t eat a can of Pringles. You’re probably sick because of stress anyway and nothing relaxes like a sudden rush of carbs. It’s nature’s nerve block.

Then you need a book. Something with foreign airports, about 600 pages. Romance novels can drag in the middle and you want something that will keep you out of town, metaphorically speaking. And who wants to read about people’s problems when they don’t feel good? Explosions. Murder. That’s what you need when you’re sick.

Also, you’re going to need an outfit that will keep others at a distance. A really musty pair of pj’s from the DI is good, especially if you keep them in a plastic bag under the sink. People will stay away in droves.

And then you need some personal discipline. No brushing your teeth, washing your hair, taking a bath, you’ve got to be prepared to let it all go. No one is going to believe you’re sick if you look at all fresh.

It’s best to stay cheerful because no one will wait on you if you’re not. And you have to know when to give it up and get back to work. No one’s going to like you if you stay sick forever. Unless you’re really sick.

And that’s a problem for another day.