It's all about what you kneed

I need new knees. Two.

Grateful I'm not a spider or a millipede. Yes, I am.

But I'm supposed to be the person who says to cheer up, can I get you a glass of water? Do you want me to call someone? I say that to other people who are having surgery.

Three weeks ago I had to have a colonoscopy. That terrified me. I don't like anything going on with my bod. Five kids and appendicitis is my limit.

I need to have two knee surgeries before I can do something that resembles what a few years ago I casually called taking a walk.

But who on earth are all these people around me telling me things are going to come out all right? I'm the mom here. I decide who's going to cheer up and who's not.

I have gone through this a hundred times with my kids. Pull the Band-Aid off fast, honey, it won't hurt.

Don't worry this is just going to be a little pinch. It won't hurt.

Don't cry, honey, don't think about it. It's going to be okay. Just get it over with.

And we've done lots of psychic pain too.

Bad test score? Don't worry, you're a great kid, you'll do better next time.

People don't like you at school? Don't worry, be yourself and you'll find the right friends.

Didn't make the team? Get the part? You are terrific, something else will come along. Keep your chin up, try again, don't quit and it will all work out.

I've tried to show the way to having a good attitude, be a leader not a loser.

Wow, did that ever turn out to be so much blah, blah, blah.

My girlfriend Missy says I need to just go in and get it over with, but I want to wait and think about it first. (Did I hear a "just get it over with?")

My daughter says I need to get a second opinion, but any idiot can see my arthritis riddled kneecaps resting on top of one another in the X-ray, and I like my doctor. Everybody's already recommended him to me because he's great at what he does.

There are no magic cures. I believe in herbs and vegetable-eating and whole grains just as much as the next person, but there are some things you want done by a real golf-playing, bad bedside manner, actual truly big house with a pool M. D. to do and this is one of them.

Things are so much easier to do when they're not happening to you. I've said to my kids, "I wish this was happening to me and not you," but I didn't mean it.

And right now, I'd like to say to them, "I wish this was happening to you and not me."

Because they're younger and more energetic, and less disillusioned, and more flexible than me.

And because they've got a great mom to tell them everything is going to be all right!