Toy Buying for Dummies

Not to brag, but I’m here to tell you, since no one else will, that I am one of the world’s greatest toy buyers.

I don’t make my bed in the morning and I’m really comfortable leaving the kitchen a mess at night; I like ice cream for dinner and once in awhile I forget myself and swear.

But, man, I’m a whiz at toys.

So, as a public service, I’m offering my Good Rules for Excellent Toy Buying for free, no purchase required, offers void where information not valid.

The good news is kids don’t know cheap toys from over-priced, over-advertised toys unless you fold and buy them. The minute you say, “Ok, you can have it,” what was just a whiff of a purple-pink plastic cloudy swirl in their little brain from the blasting drumbeat of the last commercial they saw becomes written in stone.

Also, and this is important to remember if you’re one of those super tense, highly responsible relatives, nothing kills a good time faster than having something be good for you.

Here’s some more rules, because rules for buying are always good:

1) There is a difference in toys that appeal to potential present givers and those that appeal to actual children. If something is too cute, there’s a good chance it was made by the same people who make those itchy, uncomfortable $70 sailor dresses for little girls.

2) There’s also a reliable connection between how much mess something makes and how much fun it’s going to be. If you want to be a star, suck it up and buy the triple barrel bubble blower.

3) Wood toys may be biodegradable, but plastic toys are cooler. A good toy buyer always puts saving the planet second to having fun.

4) The higher percentage of the cost you pay for the label, the shorter the shelf life of the toy. Toys with significant labeling leave less room for imagination. A cheap $1 Barbie from the drug store can sleep anywhere, doesn’t need a real Barbie jeep, a Barbie swimming pool, or a $150 plastic Barbie house. A one-dollar Barbie can use mixing pools for swimming pools.

5) How many things could you do with that teddy bear you’re looking at if it was yours? Would it be a good patient for playing doctors, get dragged through the mud, go swimming in the bathtub, go to a tea party and still be taken to bed?

6) Ask the goofiest looking sales person in the store what everybody liked the most, then buy it. Don’t get caught up believing that your kid is any different.

7) Don’t be too quick to throw stuff out or keep it organized. Childhood is too short to assume a logical time line. Today’s no-go is part of tomorrow’s fantasy.

8) Forty-nine cent plastic thingies that give 20 seconds of joy are fun.

9) Typically boys like trucks, girls like pretty, but keep an open mind.

10) If you really like it, there’s a good chance your kid will like it.

You can print this baby up and take it to the store with you.

Or, just use your imagination.