Going Under the Scope--Liz Gets a Colonoscopy

Until the nurse told me to get some Desitin, the diaper rash stuff, to help with “the discomfort,” I was fairly confident about my procedure. Apparently I’m the only human being over the age of 50 who hasn’t had a colonoscopy.

My daughter had two of them with no anesthesia when she lived in Africa, thereby setting a new standard for Things Real Women Do. For me, the prospect of drugs is usually the only bright light in anything like this.

I have become such a nervous Nellie in my old age. Even the slightest twinge sends me into crisis mode.

I used to be proud of my ability to take pain. I could go into this Zen state when everything was going to be all right: breathe deeply, relax, become one with my fear of dying.

A few years ago in a dazzlingly played game of “beat the insurance deductible,” I had three procedures done in one year. After two required surgeries, I decided to go for a third freebie and get my knee scoped. I think I just overwhelmed my little nerve endings. Now I tremble like a whipped puppy whenever anyone pulls out a Band-aid.

There are two reasons for this: one is that everything now is described as “uncomfortable.” What is there about “uncomfortable” that’s supposed to make it okay? Have you ever seen anyplace advertise, “Come on in! You’ll be uncomfortable!”

But if some one says, “You’re just going to be a little uncomfortable while we take out your kidneys with no anesthesia,” you sound like a sissy if you start screaming.

The other problem is that in my old age, I have become a crisis thinker. In the last two weeks since I’ve scheduled my colonoscopy, I’ve pretty much planned out everything I’m going to say when they tell me I have cancer. What I’m going to wear, how much I’ll cry, or not cry, what I’ll tell the kids. I’ve practiced being upbeat knowing I only have two months to live. I’ve decided what I’ll eat—the only really happy category I’ve considered.

I’m going to live on chocolate frosting and cheese.

Update: Since I wrote this, two of my friends have had serious surgeries, another faced heartbreaking family losses, and Japan had an earthquake and a tsunami.

It’s a relief to realize that even I can be jogged out of my self-centeredness.

I’m just sorry so many loved ones had to go through so many things to get me there.