Airport Life
Airport Life
The airports are full right now. So many lost souls wandering aimlessly around, looking for food, for relief from the discomfort of being in transition.
I have been among those lost souls during the last couple of months, sitting and waiting during layovers and one missed flight that cost me ten long hours of my short life, and I have some observations.
For one, men are terrible travelers. They no longer have any control over their lives: one wrong step and they will be held prisoner forever in the airport. Miss your plane? Can’t find your gate? Flunk security? Men posture, they look worried, they do what ever it takes to WIN the airport game. But they don’t read signs and many of them are unable to take care of themselves in even the simplest of circumstances, so they are doomed to fail.
There have been several interesting articles lately about fact that men are more prone to cry on airline flights. Apparently the vulnerability of the experience leaves them wide open. Men sharing a seat will surprise you sometimes by revealing things about themselves they would never tell their psychiatrist, and then when they get out and return to real life, their embarrassment is excruciating.
Women on the other hand are confident because they can handle the task of drawing comfort from the Styrofoam bosom that is the fast food court. They just go right to the ice cream counter and get a double cone and are happy. Men, the primal hunters, need meat and something yummy. Women know from experience at McDonald’s that this can never happen.
Women also read signs and are not wiped out by looking silly. Mothers in particular know that’s their daily life.
Where women fall down is their clothing. They either wear something shiny, sexy, and slinky for the big entrance; they look like they lost their way leaving a casino and went to the airport by mistake. Watching these gals get a carryon from the overhead is what some of us live for.
The other group, which I belong to, wear clothes they would wear to clean their mother’s basement after she died. They take out their aggression by looking as awful as possible to prove that no matter what, they’re going to just be themselves. They’re not going to be intimidated by airline travel.
Security can also be pretty hilarious, provided you’re not in a hurry. Many of us are a little intimidated by airports but we all want to look cool, like we do this everyday of our lives. But it’s basically impossible to take off your shoes, hand over your boarding pass and driver’s license, put your laptop and jacket in a tray and shove it down a conveyor belt, and look cool at the same time.
However, there are always a few who sigh deeply in the manner of rock stars asked to give yet another autograph. They bang the trays around. They wear enormous belt buckles and watches and have two years worth of change in their pocket and yet, they always look surprised when they have to stop for the metal detector.
The only people who look calm are the pilots wandering through the terminal. Each airport gets eight of these when it’s first built and they are actually models or robots. They all have that perky American boy haircut and they’re not real. Backstage, just like at Disneyworld, an army of exhausted little women in mouse costumes are getting ready to fly the planes.
It used to be acceptable to take the train because that was all you could do. People gave you three days to get there. Now, it’s just hurry, hurry, hurry. Honestly, the last time I took a train, I thought I’d go insane just sitting there.
It’s always something.
The airports are full right now. So many lost souls wandering aimlessly around, looking for food, for relief from the discomfort of being in transition.
I have been among those lost souls during the last couple of months, sitting and waiting during layovers and one missed flight that cost me ten long hours of my short life, and I have some observations.
For one, men are terrible travelers. They no longer have any control over their lives: one wrong step and they will be held prisoner forever in the airport. Miss your plane? Can’t find your gate? Flunk security? Men posture, they look worried, they do what ever it takes to WIN the airport game. But they don’t read signs and many of them are unable to take care of themselves in even the simplest of circumstances, so they are doomed to fail.
There have been several interesting articles lately about fact that men are more prone to cry on airline flights. Apparently the vulnerability of the experience leaves them wide open. Men sharing a seat will surprise you sometimes by revealing things about themselves they would never tell their psychiatrist, and then when they get out and return to real life, their embarrassment is excruciating.
Women on the other hand are confident because they can handle the task of drawing comfort from the Styrofoam bosom that is the fast food court. They just go right to the ice cream counter and get a double cone and are happy. Men, the primal hunters, need meat and something yummy. Women know from experience at McDonald’s that this can never happen.
Women also read signs and are not wiped out by looking silly. Mothers in particular know that’s their daily life.
Where women fall down is their clothing. They either wear something shiny, sexy, and slinky for the big entrance; they look like they lost their way leaving a casino and went to the airport by mistake. Watching these gals get a carryon from the overhead is what some of us live for.
The other group, which I belong to, wear clothes they would wear to clean their mother’s basement after she died. They take out their aggression by looking as awful as possible to prove that no matter what, they’re going to just be themselves. They’re not going to be intimidated by airline travel.
Security can also be pretty hilarious, provided you’re not in a hurry. Many of us are a little intimidated by airports but we all want to look cool, like we do this everyday of our lives. But it’s basically impossible to take off your shoes, hand over your boarding pass and driver’s license, put your laptop and jacket in a tray and shove it down a conveyor belt, and look cool at the same time.
However, there are always a few who sigh deeply in the manner of rock stars asked to give yet another autograph. They bang the trays around. They wear enormous belt buckles and watches and have two years worth of change in their pocket and yet, they always look surprised when they have to stop for the metal detector.
The only people who look calm are the pilots wandering through the terminal. Each airport gets eight of these when it’s first built and they are actually models or robots. They all have that perky American boy haircut and they’re not real. Backstage, just like at Disneyworld, an army of exhausted little women in mouse costumes are getting ready to fly the planes.
It used to be acceptable to take the train because that was all you could do. People gave you three days to get there. Now, it’s just hurry, hurry, hurry. Honestly, the last time I took a train, I thought I’d go insane just sitting there.
It’s always something.
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