Getting to know No
Have you ever noticed in the Old Testament that occasionally, not often, but definitely more than once, that people, kings and prophets mostly, are asked to kill the bad guy and that when they don’t follow through, the next thing you see is that they themselves, the non-killers, are found in the desert being devoured by lions? They do everything they’re supposed to, but just before the end, they bail out. They kill 50,000 Syrians, and then they can’t kill the king of the Syrians after he promises he’ll be good. And, boom, there they are, dead in the desert.
They just can’t take they extra step.
I don’t want to say this happens to me a lot, but it does happen. Occasionally. Like it does in the Bible. Occasionally. I mean, while it’s seldom that I’m asked to kill, I do find it hard to go for the jugular and finish things off. Particularly when it comes to saying no. The need to negotiate, the Spirit of Negotiation, so to speak, is so ingrained in my psyche that even when I say no, I negotiate my way back to yes almost without realizing it.
I have a hard time saying no and meaning it. I always say “maybe” inside even when outside, it sounds like I’m saying no. And people recognize this. Instinctively. The people who most need to be said “no” to, know when “no” means non-no.
The weak and helpless don’t count. For example, phone salesmen. Do you ever pick up the phone for an “unavailable” call just for the chance to be effective once in a day.
With a brutal sneer on your lip, you snarl, “No, and take me off your calling list.” Big deal, you’ve just told some 18-year-old unwed mother working for $8.50 that you won’t talk to her. It’s not like she cares or is going to call back. Could you say no to her boss if he came to your door in a $4000 suit with three big guys behind him? Hardly. Chicken with no principles? Yes?
Saying no to myself is always a heartbreaker. “No, you can’t buy that purse on-line even if it’s a great deal.” That sounds so permanent. What’s the deal with thirty bucks, it’s not that much? It would be so great to have something coming in the mail to look forward to. But no credit card debt is a nice thing too. But so hard to deal with. Really, wouldn’t it be better to be devoured by lions in the desert than to never order anything on line again? Never get new shoes you don’t absolutely need to go with a dress? Yuk.
When I’m tired, saying no is almost impossible. Reining myself in when I’m on a roll, even when there is going to be crazy, grumpy woman coming to live in my place if I don’t slow down, is awful. That’s like being asked to kill the bad guy only I’m the bad guy and even though I make all kinds of promises to be good, I never am. I’m always grumpy and picky when I spend too much time on a project I should have quit.
Perhaps the hardest no to say is when you need to teach the kids that certain friends or places need to be cut off. Certain lifestyles can’t co-exist together. Some romantic relationships need to close up shop. Sometimes it’s not just the kids who need to end things. This truly feels like a kind of dying, never to see someone you love again. But it happens in everyone’s life.
Maybe killing off the Syrian king in the Bible is just symbolic. Maybe afterwards, they all go to McDonald’s and have a salad and a large fry and a Diet Coke and a shake.
That’s my idea of saying no: compromise, compromise, compromise.
They just can’t take they extra step.
I don’t want to say this happens to me a lot, but it does happen. Occasionally. Like it does in the Bible. Occasionally. I mean, while it’s seldom that I’m asked to kill, I do find it hard to go for the jugular and finish things off. Particularly when it comes to saying no. The need to negotiate, the Spirit of Negotiation, so to speak, is so ingrained in my psyche that even when I say no, I negotiate my way back to yes almost without realizing it.
I have a hard time saying no and meaning it. I always say “maybe” inside even when outside, it sounds like I’m saying no. And people recognize this. Instinctively. The people who most need to be said “no” to, know when “no” means non-no.
The weak and helpless don’t count. For example, phone salesmen. Do you ever pick up the phone for an “unavailable” call just for the chance to be effective once in a day.
With a brutal sneer on your lip, you snarl, “No, and take me off your calling list.” Big deal, you’ve just told some 18-year-old unwed mother working for $8.50 that you won’t talk to her. It’s not like she cares or is going to call back. Could you say no to her boss if he came to your door in a $4000 suit with three big guys behind him? Hardly. Chicken with no principles? Yes?
Saying no to myself is always a heartbreaker. “No, you can’t buy that purse on-line even if it’s a great deal.” That sounds so permanent. What’s the deal with thirty bucks, it’s not that much? It would be so great to have something coming in the mail to look forward to. But no credit card debt is a nice thing too. But so hard to deal with. Really, wouldn’t it be better to be devoured by lions in the desert than to never order anything on line again? Never get new shoes you don’t absolutely need to go with a dress? Yuk.
When I’m tired, saying no is almost impossible. Reining myself in when I’m on a roll, even when there is going to be crazy, grumpy woman coming to live in my place if I don’t slow down, is awful. That’s like being asked to kill the bad guy only I’m the bad guy and even though I make all kinds of promises to be good, I never am. I’m always grumpy and picky when I spend too much time on a project I should have quit.
Perhaps the hardest no to say is when you need to teach the kids that certain friends or places need to be cut off. Certain lifestyles can’t co-exist together. Some romantic relationships need to close up shop. Sometimes it’s not just the kids who need to end things. This truly feels like a kind of dying, never to see someone you love again. But it happens in everyone’s life.
Maybe killing off the Syrian king in the Bible is just symbolic. Maybe afterwards, they all go to McDonald’s and have a salad and a large fry and a Diet Coke and a shake.
That’s my idea of saying no: compromise, compromise, compromise.
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