When You're Not Cinderell Anymore
When You’re Not Cinderella Anymore
If statistics are correct, slightly over half of the married people reading this article either will be or presently are step-parents, the heads of blended families. The biggest part of carrying this burden often falls on the stepmother—partly because everybody know you blame everything that happens at home on mom and partly because she’s most often there and available. Women are usually more than willing to accept the blame and kids instinctively know this. It’s as natural as playing in the mud in your Sunday clothes.
So what are some of the most common complaints about being a stepmother besides having to spend extra time in the evening poisoning tomorrow’s apples and trying to pick up kids at school while at the same time staying on your broom? Virginia, step-mother of five and blended mom of eight, unequivocally states that “rudeness is the number one problem of being a stepparent.” Claudia, blended mom of ten, agrees with her wholeheartedly.
David J. Gardner is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who is also the co-founder for The Center for Change in Orem and the treatment coordinator for Adult Psychiatric Unit at UVRMC. Dr. Gardner agrees that the “perceived” rudeness of children is probably the number one issue in stepfamilies. He states, “The primary issue in a blended family is respect; respect for traditions, respect for one another for their position, and respect for the children and their needs.” He adds that the focus in a new marriage is often so centered on the marriage itself that the fact that the child may be experiencing considerable confusion, that their “normal developmental tasks are confounded by the dynamics of the family,” is over-looked.
For example, he points out that a fourteen-year-old has as his main psychological task the development of his personality and individuality. When his family goes into a “new parental mode, his job expands logarithmically.”
Dr. Gardner sees the main way to cope with this as “taking time to integrate before marriage.”” He advises parents to remember that there is no fixed time in which these problems can be said to be solved. Some things may never be completely resolved. He says that some families with twelve kids come together like they had been together forever and some with two kids have them trying to kill each other from day one. It doesn’t always come out right even when you do exactly all the right things.
Should you seek counseling? Both Virginia and Claudia have tried family therapy. In Virginia’s case, her stepchildren had not finished dealing with some issues of grieving over their mother’s death. Her stepson Steve had lost his mother when he was just three and had learned all the “correct jargon.” He knew that his mother had “gone to live with Heavenly Father.” At three he had been too young to realize that she was never coming back. When Virginia and Steve Sr. married two years later, he suddenly became aware of this and started bizarre behaviors such as carrying a knife with him all the time. Therapists were able to help him at five years old to go through the process of understanding his mother’s death and dealing with it.
In Claudia’s case, she found that her stepchildren were “so different from my kids.” They were frequently in trouble with the law, dishonest, stole things and generally were disruptive. She and her husband went to family therapy for over a year but were unable to change their behavior. Their mother refused to help and the children eventually decided that they did not want to live with the family rules at Claudia’s and went to live with their mother. Having his kids turn against them has been the most difficult part of their new life, says Claudia, who feels that their eight year marriage is a happy one except for that heart-break.
Dr. Gardner urges stepparents to remember these three key words in starting new families; forgiveness, respect, and tolerance. “Forgiveness for one another and yourself ; respect for the parents and the children and for past lives and traditions; and tolerance towards each other’s foibles.” He cites an old Jamaican saying “Before you get married, keep both eyes wide open; after keep on eye shut tight.”
Blended families are often successful, although couples find that it’s rough going at times. But many women find that being “the wicked stepmother” to their husband’s children can be a rewarding and enriching experience with time and patience and a lot of love.
If statistics are correct, slightly over half of the married people reading this article either will be or presently are step-parents, the heads of blended families. The biggest part of carrying this burden often falls on the stepmother—partly because everybody know you blame everything that happens at home on mom and partly because she’s most often there and available. Women are usually more than willing to accept the blame and kids instinctively know this. It’s as natural as playing in the mud in your Sunday clothes.
So what are some of the most common complaints about being a stepmother besides having to spend extra time in the evening poisoning tomorrow’s apples and trying to pick up kids at school while at the same time staying on your broom? Virginia, step-mother of five and blended mom of eight, unequivocally states that “rudeness is the number one problem of being a stepparent.” Claudia, blended mom of ten, agrees with her wholeheartedly.
David J. Gardner is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who is also the co-founder for The Center for Change in Orem and the treatment coordinator for Adult Psychiatric Unit at UVRMC. Dr. Gardner agrees that the “perceived” rudeness of children is probably the number one issue in stepfamilies. He states, “The primary issue in a blended family is respect; respect for traditions, respect for one another for their position, and respect for the children and their needs.” He adds that the focus in a new marriage is often so centered on the marriage itself that the fact that the child may be experiencing considerable confusion, that their “normal developmental tasks are confounded by the dynamics of the family,” is over-looked.
For example, he points out that a fourteen-year-old has as his main psychological task the development of his personality and individuality. When his family goes into a “new parental mode, his job expands logarithmically.”
Dr. Gardner sees the main way to cope with this as “taking time to integrate before marriage.”” He advises parents to remember that there is no fixed time in which these problems can be said to be solved. Some things may never be completely resolved. He says that some families with twelve kids come together like they had been together forever and some with two kids have them trying to kill each other from day one. It doesn’t always come out right even when you do exactly all the right things.
Should you seek counseling? Both Virginia and Claudia have tried family therapy. In Virginia’s case, her stepchildren had not finished dealing with some issues of grieving over their mother’s death. Her stepson Steve had lost his mother when he was just three and had learned all the “correct jargon.” He knew that his mother had “gone to live with Heavenly Father.” At three he had been too young to realize that she was never coming back. When Virginia and Steve Sr. married two years later, he suddenly became aware of this and started bizarre behaviors such as carrying a knife with him all the time. Therapists were able to help him at five years old to go through the process of understanding his mother’s death and dealing with it.
In Claudia’s case, she found that her stepchildren were “so different from my kids.” They were frequently in trouble with the law, dishonest, stole things and generally were disruptive. She and her husband went to family therapy for over a year but were unable to change their behavior. Their mother refused to help and the children eventually decided that they did not want to live with the family rules at Claudia’s and went to live with their mother. Having his kids turn against them has been the most difficult part of their new life, says Claudia, who feels that their eight year marriage is a happy one except for that heart-break.
Dr. Gardner urges stepparents to remember these three key words in starting new families; forgiveness, respect, and tolerance. “Forgiveness for one another and yourself ; respect for the parents and the children and for past lives and traditions; and tolerance towards each other’s foibles.” He cites an old Jamaican saying “Before you get married, keep both eyes wide open; after keep on eye shut tight.”
Blended families are often successful, although couples find that it’s rough going at times. But many women find that being “the wicked stepmother” to their husband’s children can be a rewarding and enriching experience with time and patience and a lot of love.
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