Winners and Losers
Winners and Losers
Once upon a time, I wanted to be Relief Society President. If you’re not a Mormon, the Relief Society President is the head of a ward’s ladies’ aid group, so to speak. This was during my stage when I felt that getting “awards” was the main purpose of life and one of the “awards” I wanted was to be Relief Society President. Well, I didn’t get it. In fact, at one point when I really wanted it, someone I didn’t like got to be “it”.
Well, I just bawled my head of. No Kidding, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave church and go home I was so upset. I look back on this stage of my life and wonder what possessed me. I would totally embarrassed except that I know that other people have gone through the same thing with their own goals and prizes.
Now I see my own kids going through some of this same frustration. This time of year is award time. Kids come home with glowing report cards that tell tales of straight A’s and B’s and they get awards at assemblies for being the fastest and the smartest and the most hard working. At least some of them do.
Some of them come home with no awards, no good grades, no commendations from anyone. This is not the teachers’ fault because most of the teachers I’ve known would give every single one of their kids A’s for just trying. And it’s not always the parents’ fault or the kid’s fault. Sometimes, some people just don’t do well in school and school, bor better or worse, is the principle job of those under 18.
What do we tell our kids when they don’t win the prizes and it really matters to them? In general, what are we teaching our kids at home, even our kids who do well, about what constitutes success and what makes a person valuable?
When I was in grade school, my best friend was 5’6” long before any of the boys even hit five feet. She was brainy and good—and pretty generally considered a dork by most of my other friends. It was my fortunate lot in grade school to be generally lovable. One day, though, in an unusual fit of frustration she told me that her mother said that someday when we were big she would have lots of dates and have a wonderful husband and that I wouldn’t always be popular. HA!!
Well, she was right. My popularity came at the expense of my study time and individuality –things which she was abundantly blessed with in her youthful career. It took me several years of gown-up life to recoup what I’d lost. In fact, I’m still trying to finish college, which she did long ago.
Popularity and achievement don’t always signal success. In the early 1900’s the theory of “survival of the fittest” was metamorphosed into “social Darwinism”. John D. Rockefeller even told his Sunday School class that being rich was a sign of God’s approval. De we tell our kids that? Do we make them fell that they are less than perfect kids? A recent study printed in the Deseret News says that less than 12% of the kids who do very well in grade school continue to do well in life and not many of them graduate from college. Maybe it’s because we tell them that if they do well early in life they always will—which is not true.
Are we teaching our children that real value comes from being kind and generous, loyal and gracious? Do we applaud when our kids take the trash out without being asked or help a neighbor with her small children on an unasked and unpaid basis? When our children do succeed and make good grades, do we remind them that it’s not enough unless they combine their success with character and good values?
A friend of mine recently told me how he felt as a young farm boy from Kamas when he went to BYU. He was sitting there listening to a famous church speaker tell about his experiences as a major league ballplayer and war hero and feeling that his life was such a failure because he had accomplished so little compared to this man. Ironically, when the speaker’s stories were later refuted, it became obvious that the famous speaker had felt that his real life was not successful enough to tell the young farm boy from Kamas.
Sometimes in our modern society, we have to take the blame for the abuses of our heroes. We expect so much from each other. We’re all so ashamed sometimes for just being normal. For being ordinary.
We have such sweet children, most of us. They can be annoying and high-spirited and dirty and whiny, but let’s remember how precious each of them is to us and give them the respect they deserve for being themselves.
Once upon a time, I wanted to be Relief Society President. If you’re not a Mormon, the Relief Society President is the head of a ward’s ladies’ aid group, so to speak. This was during my stage when I felt that getting “awards” was the main purpose of life and one of the “awards” I wanted was to be Relief Society President. Well, I didn’t get it. In fact, at one point when I really wanted it, someone I didn’t like got to be “it”.
Well, I just bawled my head of. No Kidding, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave church and go home I was so upset. I look back on this stage of my life and wonder what possessed me. I would totally embarrassed except that I know that other people have gone through the same thing with their own goals and prizes.
Now I see my own kids going through some of this same frustration. This time of year is award time. Kids come home with glowing report cards that tell tales of straight A’s and B’s and they get awards at assemblies for being the fastest and the smartest and the most hard working. At least some of them do.
Some of them come home with no awards, no good grades, no commendations from anyone. This is not the teachers’ fault because most of the teachers I’ve known would give every single one of their kids A’s for just trying. And it’s not always the parents’ fault or the kid’s fault. Sometimes, some people just don’t do well in school and school, bor better or worse, is the principle job of those under 18.
What do we tell our kids when they don’t win the prizes and it really matters to them? In general, what are we teaching our kids at home, even our kids who do well, about what constitutes success and what makes a person valuable?
When I was in grade school, my best friend was 5’6” long before any of the boys even hit five feet. She was brainy and good—and pretty generally considered a dork by most of my other friends. It was my fortunate lot in grade school to be generally lovable. One day, though, in an unusual fit of frustration she told me that her mother said that someday when we were big she would have lots of dates and have a wonderful husband and that I wouldn’t always be popular. HA!!
Well, she was right. My popularity came at the expense of my study time and individuality –things which she was abundantly blessed with in her youthful career. It took me several years of gown-up life to recoup what I’d lost. In fact, I’m still trying to finish college, which she did long ago.
Popularity and achievement don’t always signal success. In the early 1900’s the theory of “survival of the fittest” was metamorphosed into “social Darwinism”. John D. Rockefeller even told his Sunday School class that being rich was a sign of God’s approval. De we tell our kids that? Do we make them fell that they are less than perfect kids? A recent study printed in the Deseret News says that less than 12% of the kids who do very well in grade school continue to do well in life and not many of them graduate from college. Maybe it’s because we tell them that if they do well early in life they always will—which is not true.
Are we teaching our children that real value comes from being kind and generous, loyal and gracious? Do we applaud when our kids take the trash out without being asked or help a neighbor with her small children on an unasked and unpaid basis? When our children do succeed and make good grades, do we remind them that it’s not enough unless they combine their success with character and good values?
A friend of mine recently told me how he felt as a young farm boy from Kamas when he went to BYU. He was sitting there listening to a famous church speaker tell about his experiences as a major league ballplayer and war hero and feeling that his life was such a failure because he had accomplished so little compared to this man. Ironically, when the speaker’s stories were later refuted, it became obvious that the famous speaker had felt that his real life was not successful enough to tell the young farm boy from Kamas.
Sometimes in our modern society, we have to take the blame for the abuses of our heroes. We expect so much from each other. We’re all so ashamed sometimes for just being normal. For being ordinary.
We have such sweet children, most of us. They can be annoying and high-spirited and dirty and whiny, but let’s remember how precious each of them is to us and give them the respect they deserve for being themselves.
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